Hi, Chris. Thanks for your response, but I think you largely missed the point I was trying to make.

It’s interesting you jump to the conclusion that I am “fat” and “out of shape.” I don’t see myself as “fat” — a concept which is a social construct, not a scientific fact. Rather, I point out that some gay men have positioned me as such because I don’t fit into the restrictive ideal I refer to here as the “normate gay.” In fact, no one wholly embodies the ideal, as it is designed to keep us in a constant state of want, of hustle, of self-hatred and division.

I, furthermore, never discuss physical fitness, which is different from physical appearance. I’m talking about the extent I, and others, fit or come up lacking against an ideal aesthetic. There is no direct correlation between appearance and level of fitness, which is why I reference the notion of “health at every size.” I plan to write about this in more depth later.

Brown also found in her research that individuals who were the most resilient to shame were not more successful or closer to the status quo. They were able to deal with shame, and therefore be vulnerable, because they believed they were worthy of love and belonging. They possessed a sense of self-worth and the courage to stand apart from the group — to not fit in — when they were required to do so in order to maintain their integrity.

I’m not talking about health, so why should I — or anyone — need to change the way I look in order to fit in, especially when doing so makes me feel I am compromising my core values and betraying myself? When we accept difference and variation, we can then come together as a community to create lasting change. Additionally, everyone is deserving of love and acceptance no matter their health status.

Thank you for your suggestions, but no thanks. I am no longer tying my value to my physical appearance. I am belonging to myself, and if enough of us do the same, standards will shift.